Control (As in I have none)
Lately, let's say in the past month or so, I've been feeling a bit out of sorts.
I've been shopping more, which I usually don't do, and that signaled to me that I'm trying to hide behind tangible stuff instead of confronting my own feelings but I couldn't recognize what in my life I was avoiding.
It wasn't until recently that I felt jealous that I really sat down with myself. I recognize negative feelings and I've tried to make it a point this year to work on self acceptance and self kindness.
However I still give weight with that negative reel inside myself, demeaning me and dragging me. In the real world I cling to people and circumstances that reinforce the negative voice telling me I'm worthless and unloved.
Even when I step back and acknowledge the good things, the great things that bombard me in life, I still find time to entertain the miserable bitch inside.
So sitting with myself, I realized that much of my life right now is in a state of flux. Which is neither good nor bad. It just is. A lot in my life is changing. There's a whole future of unknowns and it's unsettling to me. So in my very real life I've begun trying to control things, control situations and people, and that's led to this wave of negative emotions that I continue to let wash over me.
In my uncertainty about what lies ahead, I've let my crybaby ego get to me and I turned to control. It's almost as if when I look ahead driving everything is dark, so I've taken to adjusting my seating, my grip on the wheel, the volume of the radio, the angle of the rearview mirror, even trying to control the people in the car, in an effort to brace for the unknown.
In my trying to control things, I've welcomed these negative waves because it felt familiar and it was something I understood. In contrast, the unknowns that lay before me make me uneasy.
It comes from fear, I know. But if I stay mindful, if I recall that everything in my life has always worked out for the best, then what is there to fear in that dark place ahead? I
All of this to say, I've got to get back on track. I've got to forgive myself, I've got be more mindful and I've got to embrace those unknowns. I have to relinquish control.
I find connecting to things I genuinely enjoy--podcasts, tarot cards, looking up Tibetan singing bowls--helps center me, helps to ground me.
Anyway, that's a blog. Tomorrow I drop a new podcast episode that has nothing to do with my inner self but something to do with outside trash. STAY TUNED, INTERNET. :)