How To Not Be a Blogger

I've seen at least a dozen videos on YouTube now with fresh-faced young women telling me how to start a blog.

Different backgrounds, different YouTube accounts and different royalty free music playing n their videos aside, they all offer the same advice: Pick a platform, blog about what you're passionate about, don't do it solely for the money but here's how you can make money. 

So I'm thinking what the f*ck should this blog be about? And biiii****iiiiitch, it hit me: I'm an UNBLOGGER

I'm a lifestyle UNBLOGGER

My first post as a lifestyle Unblogger: Clogs or Unclogs?

Clogs are making a real comeback ya'll. Because I'm 26 and no longer surrounded by fashion-forward teeny-boppy peers and because I watched that Minimalism documentary on Netflix about seven months ago and I made a concerted effort not to buy any clothing, I rarely buy new clothes. 

Except for the times that I did. (Recently I purchased a denim jacket for the first time in my adult life. I'm young. I promise. Not pervy young. Just relevant young.)

I check all trends through my stylish colleagues and then double check them on Forever 21. 

I should write a whole blog about the internal duel I have when I enter the Forever 21 store. (A later, time obvi. I can't stop thinking about clogs and I didn't even think this was going to be about clogs. Next up: clots! blood clot blogs! I love content creation!)

So clogs. They're on the F21 website. But there's only one pair.

 

So maybe not so trendy and actually I misstated the above sentence that they're making a comeback. But eventually they will and therefore, you're welcome, i just predicted the next fashion trend. I'm a fashion clairvoyant. 

Anyway, in addition to clogs, mules are having their moment in the sun. 

I also saw a pair of mules at Ross, which suggested to me that mules are cool now. But a bitch who doesn't regularly moisturize her heels has no business entertaining a mule. Not even this trendy velvet one for a mere $28.

 

What you save in dollars, you lose in dignity when you schlep through the rain with your goddamn dry heels exposed and the velvet of your mules dampened and unprotected from the elements. 

Did I do that correctly? Am I lifestyle blogger now? 

I love my life. I also have been rewatching Laguna Beach so I have gifs of the first season. Did you know Lauren Conrad is worth about $25 million? This blows me away because LC's signature winged liner and pin straight blonde hair literally started on a show comprised of 7% beach transition b-roll and 21% dialogue. 

My favorite thing is when they show LC staring into literally nothing and then they cut to Stephen to make it seem as if LC was quietly pining but maybe she was wondering if she left her flat iron on and is her room on fire? 

LC laguna beach lauren conrad

 

I was a big LC fan when the show first aired 13 (T H I R T E E N !) years ago but in retrospect I know that Kristin/Kristen Calamari was the realest teenage bitch with a black choker to even step foot on that show.

Kristin scoff.gif

 

She wore a white tube cloth to the Black and White Affair for god's sake. WHAT A TRAILBLAZER. FIND ME ONE FUCKING FRAME IN LAGUNA BEACH SEASON ONE WHEN KRISTIN HAD A BARE NECK. (This is an exaggeration. I'm sure it exists, nerd you don't have to screenshot it).

Honestly, the Kardashians wouldn't have anything without her. 

 

Kristin Cavallari laguna beach